Saturday, 1 January 2011

Quotean ... Humo(u)r Archive

A Collection of Humourous Quotes & Observations

"We're in pursuit of a speeding individual driving a red ... car license number Eggplant Xerxes Crybaby Overbite Narwhal"  [Eddie Edison -- The Simpsons]


"Don't thank me, thank the moon's gravitational pull." ["MacGyver" in The Simpsons]

  • Hank: What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that!
Larry: It was a back tooth Hank. [The Larry Sanders Show]

  • The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. [The Big Lebowski]

  • One more anal-probing gyro-pyro levitating ectoplasm alien anti-matter story and I'm going to take out my gun and shoot somebody [Mulder - The X Files]

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

  • Me no Leica! [one-line review of 'I am a Camera']

  • Sturgeon's Law states that 90% of everything is crap: surely this needs revising upwards in the age of the internet?

  • Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here! [The Dude nearly spills his drink in The Big Lebowski]

  • The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it -- John Gilmore (in 1993!)

  • "Get that cheese to sick bay!" -- Star Trek: Voyager

  • "These are the Cubans, baby. This is the Cohibas, the Montecristos. This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder vehicle with a secondary cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine RDX burst. It's capable of busting a bunker under the bunker you just busted. If it were any smarter, it'd write a book, a book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Eiffel Tower. This is my Rachmaninoff's Third. My Pieta. It's completely elegant, it's bafflingly beautiful, and it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it 'The Ex-Wife' " -- Iron Man 2

  • I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep, not screaming in terror, like his passengers -- Bob Monkhouse

  • It has been observed that there are many more horses asses than horses

  • This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. -- Chief Wiggum

  • Face, we haven't got time for that! Boy George is waiting behind the Sheriff's office - we've got to go! -- Murdock (The A Team)

  • I've learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth going the extra mile?

  • People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - well they're not laughing now -Bob Monkhouse

  • What happens in Cygnus X-1 stays in Cygnus X-1 -- Futurama

  • ☿ then ♀ ⊕ ♂ ♃ ♄ ♅ ♆ but not ♇ (since 2006). What am I?

  • people seem to know that I'm from Kent - I hear them whispering it as I walk by [Bob Monkhouse]